Go On

My Mom, after 92 years of life, has died, You do not know how a loss like this feels until it happens to you. I want to move on, but I just cannot seem to get it in gear. Sure, the lost of my only parent has affected me in ways that have not been clear to me so far, other than a numbness that is with me all of the time. I just sit and think and I’m always just at the brink of tears.

Unable to close the deal, I just move on to what ever mundane task that awaits me. Some well wishers inform me that I will have the moment of tears, others say it may never come. For me, however, I think it will take a dull blade inserted in the top of my head and twisted vigorously to feel anything.

Let me give you an example, My cell phone will ring and even if the ID is showing someone I know, I simply will let it ring. While it is ringing I wonder if the call is important, maybe they are stranded, or need my help with something. I would never forgive myself if it was important and I had the chance to help, but still I let it ring ( I do return the call at some point) For all I know, this is textbook behavior for someone who is either grieving or is trying not to. I really do not care one way or the other.

That brings me to another thing, my life as it is right now will not give me the chance to watch the pyre of flames move out to sea. With two teenage girls and a wife that is battling ongoing illness, and working two jobs, I do not seem to have anything left to give to self reflection at this time.

Please, if you care about me at all, do not tell me that you are sorry that my Mom is dead, It may sound comforting to you, but to me it is hollow and empty and required obeisance.

I know that everyone wants to do and say the right thing, and I do appreciate the outpouring of love that I have received and it has made my journey a little easier to take. but at the same time it makes the journey just that harder to make, if that makes any sense to you.

it makes little sense to me….


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