“Uncle J’s Primer” Of Life

Hey! Boys and Girls, Once again its time for another installment of “Uncle J’s Primer” where we can learn how to survive in a world full of stupid people! (of course you are excepted because you read this blog!)

Today on the Primer, we are going to learn how to identify one of the most brain dead critters out there;  The Jock Sniffer! So named because of an inordinate love of Sports and/ or Sport figures. In our first installment we will look at the Jock Sniffer’s habitat and habits! (H & H)

Physical Characteristics’

The Jock Sniffer can come in various shapes and sizes, but tends to be at either end of the human scale. the large version may have played some kind of team sports in high school or college. This are usually of the “Could have been a Contender” Caste.

Most will tell you that they played in school but may  have to be pressed to get out of them what they did or at what level (quarterback or water boy, JV or varsity) This is not true if they played with winning teams however. (“It was a sacred trust. Bro, to be able to be the water boy for that team! Yes sir, not everyone could do it!”) Then you will not be able to shut them up.

Usually the bigger they are, the less grey matter is left in the brain cavity. This is due to the aforementioned team sports and the position they held. As a practical matter you will not come across a 250-300 lb Jock sniffer that was a quarterback.  So beware girls, of the lies.  At the lower end of the scale you will find the “Wannabes” or the “Neverweres” Jocks.

The “Pilot Fish” of the breed. This is where a lot of Sportswriters come from.


Can be found at Sporting events, primarily Football and Basketball to a lesser extent Baseball and Hockey. Sports bars, the bigger JS’s serve as “Bouncers” at college bars! Or UPS drivers or plastic sliding salesmen. The smaller ones are Wal-mart dept mangers, Fast Food managers, Sportswriters, CPA’s and perversely, most of today’s Political caste, all the way up to the President of the United States.

While they can live anywhere, they prefer cities with Winning Teams! There is a sub set, “Bodybuilder” that prefers California because of the prevalence of Gyms, drugs, and big busted women.

Next: The Jock Sniffer speech patterns, and how to fit in a conversation with one. (If you must)


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