Just for a Laugh!/ How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change A Lightblub?

 

“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

 

 

 

So real it’s almost scary!!

It’s the (Stupid)Economy, Stupid

By now, the truth about our leaders and the economy should be apparent to all but the lowest life form that creeps or swims. They have no idea how to get us out of this mess! None at all.

 

You will recall the dark days October when then everything fell apart, how we were told that if we did not get this big chunk of money approved (700 billion) that we were going to hell in a hand basket and we could only blame ourselves for our “Lack of Vision”

 

Deals were made, the blood of the firstborn placed at the altar, and papers sighed. So they got what they wanted, a few weeks past and what happens? The same guys now tell us (thru the Secretary of the treasury no less) that they have changed plans and now need to prop up the credit card companies. My God, if handing taxpayer’s money to the banks, as atavistic as those guys are, didn’t get your knickers in a wad, These “experts” have done something that would not seem possible… decide to give it, instead, to an industry that has a level of greed that eclipses the banks!

 

If you hung all of the college degrees that all of these “experts” have I’m quite sure you could wallpaper a blue whale with them. Ask them a question like “should I stay or should I hold?” you will get more opinions than that poor animal has blubber.

 

The further we stray from just plain ole “ciphering” (just spend what you take in) the less any of us knows. In hindsight, everyone is now saying that a consumer based economy (the type we now have because we no longer make anything anymore but send it overseas) is flawed and will not go on forever. Please… I’m just a poor black man, and I knew that, and said as much to anyone who would listen for the past 5 years.

 

My point is, right now, anybody who tells you they know what they are talking about when it comes to this economic mess we are in, is delusional and should be given the same level of attention to what they say that you give your goldfish and his opinion.

 

It’s every man for himself

The Real Thing

I’ve been thinking I’m the one who’s cloudy, maybe I’m the one who’s chance for rain… – Switchfoot

 

Introspection has never been something that I have had a shortage of. I can tell you everything you need to know about navel contemplation. Me and introspection may not be lovers but we are surely good friends. Sometimes you have to wonder, Is it me? Is my brain misfiring?

I have written about how I had a really close friend. I mean we have known each other since High school. we were the best men at each other’s Wedding etc etc. He had his faults, like I do, but we were good lifelong friends. So what happened?

Let me try to explain, because to be truthful, we would still be friends if I did not pull the plug. that in of Itself was a reason enough to pull the plug. That I had to pull the plug and up to this moment I have no idea how he was affected by my actions. Now I do not want to give the impression that we are no longer speaking or anything of that order, No, we, or to be truthful again, I chose to stop being a party to what was really a one –sided relationship. I have reached a point in my life where I no longer can accept “fake” anything. I mean it. I only want the real thing or I would rather just go without. It’s not materialism by any means. this credo of mine is one that covers everything from Hot Dogs to Love.

I’m pragmatic about it; I know that when it comes to personal relationships you have to have some flux. So I know that I have to accept some coloring outside the lines. It’s just in this case the coloring was always outside the lines.

A few days ago I wrote that after weighing the pros against the cons of using Easy journal.  I felt that it, despite its troubles was still a viable means for my journal and that I would be staying on. In other words, while it is a hassle at times, it was not so bad that I would go and change just because I could. ( As you can see I have since stopped that “relationship” as well and have moved here to WordPress”)That was how our friendship was; the good was outweighing the bad. So when you ask me what happened to the friendship, all I can say is that good no longer outweighed the bad (or evened it out for that matter?)

But the real point of this is how introspection is something that is always making you reconsider your stand, as stated above “maybe I’m the chance of rain” Has maturity made me less tolerant or more selective? I’m sure I made the right decision but should I mourn or rejoice the sinner or saint I’ve become? 

Could I be less pure because I refuse to accept anything less than pure? I think that in any relationship you have to have an respect or even a reverence to what you have built. Something that does not have to be “fed” all of the time. but that does not mean It’s Never fed or watered

To be Continued…. because I’m not there yet

Misto

From where I live, I have 3 Starbuck coffee houses that are within a short drive from my house. One is in a Target store, another is in a Safeway, and still another is a free standing store in the same mall as the Safeway!

I have written in the past about coffee and the people around me who drink It. I was a late bloomer as far as coffee was concerned, we were not allowed to have it as kids and as I grew up I drank very little of it. Preferring instead, to get my caffeine from other sources like Coke or Pepsi. When I was a young tyke and I was working in fast food restaurants’ and Hotel kitchens, soda was the only thing I drank in the hot kitchens that I worked in. The Idea of coffee instead never occurred to me at all.

So at this stage of my life, I find myself a “coffee drinker” So I find myself going into a Starbucks from time to time

It’s something that drives me crazy almost every time I do it! My visits go like this…

“Welcome to Starbucks! May I have your order?”
“Yes you can, I would like a Café au Lait please”
“I’m sorry sir what was that again?”
“Café au Lait”
(By this time any pretence of customer service starts to fade with the next words)
“What is that? I’ve never heard of it” (Keep in mind that the person speaking to me is 19 years old, tops!)
“Well I have gotten one from here before”
“No you haven’t”
“Yes I have”

Sir, we do not have “café odd lats” or whatever you called it” What’s in it? by now the use of “Sir” has lost any air of deference

“Steamed Milk and coffee”

Oh! You mean a “Misto”

Nooo, you mean a “Misto,” me and everyone outside of those doors calls it a Café au Lait.
They then call out to the chief coffeemaker or whatever… Misto! Then looking at me will ask, what size?

Medium

What?

And so it goes, a single company trying to reinvent a drink and its name that has been around since before Marco Polo.

All at only 2.50 a cup!

Goodbye, Levi

There is really no way I can prove to anyone under the age of thirty (and please, that is stretching it a lot) how much of an impact “the motown sound” had on those of us who lived during those times. Some may say that the output of Stax and Atlantic records came close, but really it was never a contest. Even Issac Hayes, who at that time, was a driving force behind Stax Records admitted that in effect, they always had a ear pointed up “north” to see and hear just what was next out of the (Detroit based) Motown stable. Even now, when I listen to one of Diana Ross and the Supreams first hits, “Stop! (In The Name of Love”) it’s lyricism still knocks me dead. The opening line, “Baby, Baby I’m aware of where you go.. Each time you leave my door, I watch you walk down the street..”

Where to start!  First off, the use of the world “Aware” in the song. Today the supposed cream of the crop of the writers today, would just say “I know where you go” and work from there. You have to remember that these records were for the black community first, but  Berry Gordy (the owner of Motown) would not allow it’s talent to “Write down” another example, “Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson.. He writes,  ”Just like “Pagliacci  did” excuse my french, but who in the hell is that? An opera reference? In music written by and for Afro Americans in the early 1960’s? 

Over the years I started to listen less to the major Motown hits from the Supremes and the Temptations as they were played over and over again on radio and used in movies and commericals. If I never heard “My Girl” again, that would be all right with me. My love however, still remained with the lesser hits by less popular acts like Bobby and the Vancouvers, Rare Earth, and others. Except for one group and now with the recent Death of Levi Stubbs, once again I’m reminded of that one group that after all of these years, I never get tired of.

I wrote part of this post a year back when I had heard that Stubbs was ailing and was not expected to come back to sing with Tops again. Around the same time about 2 years ago I had a ticket to see the Four Tops act and found myself walking out because the only one out of the original four was on the stage. Two of the members had already passed on and Stubbs had just had his first stroke. this is not meant to be a “downer” post but after seeing that I knew how much this group had impressed themselves on my life and times 

 My favorite group in the Motown stable has been always been the Four Tops. The Temptations had the flash and the moves, but the “Tops” had the Talent. The “Temps” were singing for the popular kids. When they would sing “Beauty’s only Skin Deep” you knew that no matter what the song said, in time ole Dave Ruffin (their first and best lead) would be right back in front of a “pretty face” Or when they sang “Can’t get Next to You” You knew that this was one bad girl if Dennis ( the replacement) couldn’t impress her with his smooth dance moves and cool demeanor. They sang the songs of those who up to that point in time, were getting the attention of any boy/girl they wanted except for the one they wanted. They sang from the standpoint of those who never tasted heartbreak until now. The Tops were different; they sang for the rest of us, those of us who worshiped the girls from afar those who were lucky to get a “Bernadette” to love us. We lived in abject fear that she would be torn away at any moment from us by better men. The world the Four Tops sang about was a world that was rendered in “shades of grey” until she shows up and then you are transported into a “Different World” The Tops were sensitive before it was cool. As they were not afraid to say “baby, I need your loving.” The Tops sang to people who were always ready to tell you about those short shifted in love (“Ask the Lonely”) and of course, they were loyal… (“Reach Out-I’ll Be There”) The Temps, at times may have stopped in this world that the Tops ruled (“Don’t look back”) but they could never stay there. Not with the level of confidence they had… They told Diana and her cohorts, “I’m Gonna Make You love me” Years later when it became the Tops turn to woo Motown’s favorite girl act, all they could promise was “be as faithful as that puppy”( in River Deep, Mountain High)  The Four Tops as Everyman… Just like you and me.

Good bye Levi.. You and the “Tops” will be missed Fourever

 

Next: The Black Man’s guide to surving an Afro American President

After That: Uncle J explains in all for you and is taking questions

Then: You Must Read This!

Sit, Spot, Sit or How I spent my summer

Good Doggie!

As much as I love my dog, a “Golden,” this dog is the Bomb! I met him during a national book festival here in Washington D.C.  “Spot” as in the “Target Spot” is trained so well, he would stand on that chair all day and allow anyone to have their picture taken with him. He was not the only “Star” that I met this summer, I also met Tony Bourdain, Samantha Brown and Dionne Warwick. One day I will do a post of “famous people that I have crossed paths with. The List is pretty long for a nobody like me.

Spot here is pretty much the highlight of my summer, I did a lot of running up and down the East Coast and none of It was any fun. So to be with my girls and spend some time on the National Mall was a nice little break.

I did get my first Screen Credit!

Screen Credits are what everyone sees at the end of a TV show or movie, detailing what everyone and anyone did to produce the film or program. I served as a “Runner” (another word for “gofer”) for a live telecast of a annual show that the cable network that I work for, puts on the air every year around Halloween. While I know that it’s too late to be placed in the “How I spent my Summer” blog. It was a high point for this year and I can’t think of another place to mention It. After all, no one writes “how I spent my fall” posts.

 

Next: How to suvive a Afro American Adminstration

After that: Uncle J explains it all to you and is taking questions

Anytime: You Must Read This

2004 Redux: What has Changed?

The following was written 4 years ago… I still think it is on the money, except for one Value that even surprised me. The one thing that trumps “American Values” is American Money.. 

   People in this country have to face a cold hard fact; National Elections are not won on the issues. John Q. America is no longer interested. They are won on the appeal of the person running. They are won by getting the “White Midwestern and southern rural vote, period. That fact has not really changed for the last 200 years. If you can reach that block of voters, then you can count on winning any National Office. This election and the elections for the foreseeable future, will be won by dividing the country (“Us” verses “them” or “red” vs. “blue”) 

Government is just like you and me. It changes over time. As such, Government is Responding to a country that is moving to the right, with no reversal on the horizon. It is a movement that has been pushed on by cultural changes as well as past history of this country, along with it’s changing views of freedom and equality. the center of the country feels that we have lost our way. And they are reacting negatively to the changes that have moved the country away from what are considered “American Values”. You, for instance, may like “Queer Eye” or rap music, or young singers who bear all in public. You may think that “gay” unions are a good thing, and so are abortions for that matter. That is just good old “free expression” From your point of view. But the “middle” of the country (read “red states”) does not. (At least not publicly anyway) It’s now expected of Government, to make whole, the will of the governed. Especially on social issues. So while they may fall far short in providing the bare essentials of living for a large section of the populous, they more that make up for it in the voters by reducing freedom in the name of regaining some control over the morals of this country. And this is acceptable and even righteous (if not out right “God’s Will”) to about 51 percent of the voting public.

No matter what the issue is, War, welfare, flu shots, abortion, immigration, you name it. None of them come before “American Values” It is the religion of the 21st century, the real opium of the masses. Is all of this to say that such values have no merit? No, that is not the point. The problem is that the values are in the hands of Politians. That makes them pliable and liquid, shaped by the person who espouses them. Here is a question. Over 50 percent of people say that they are for faith based grants from the government. Now that may be true, but I wonder if the same people would agree that the same funds should go to Non-Christian organizations? Here is another question; is exporting “freedom” the same as offering freedom? Is it a value to protect “freedom” everywhere in the world? Should skin color or “American Interests” determine how we exercise our values? Or point our Guns? Questions of this type are not the ones that are being asked by this 51 percent of voters. They really do not care. All they know is that the leader they voted for is a good man who prays and is concerned about the moral direction of this country.

The urban centers of the cities can be guilty of the very same thing! For an example; Marion Barry, Washington’s former crack using Mayor. Has once again won political office in the city. He has a city council seat representing the city’s poorest ward. He has held this seat before and did nothing for it. Despite that dismal record, the residents have placed him in that office once again. Mirroring the country at large by rewarding incompetency with reelection. Again, style over substance. The past record matters little, if at all. All they know is “Marion cares about the little man” The truth is, that Marion Barry as well as others care only about themselves and their own world view. The rest of us are being carried along for the ride.. even if we do not want to go..

 

Next: Uncle J explains it all and is taking questions

After that: The Black Man’s guide for surviving an Afro American Administration!

Anytime: Sit, Spot, Sit or how I spent my Summer

One for the Ages

ONE FOR THE AGES

 

For all of my new readers, I have to tell you that when it comes to politics, I’m steadfastly neutral. That is, I take no stand either for or against any one person or party. I do not think that any man (or woman) can solve the problems that are facing us in this country or the world for that matter. We are too self centered, nationalistic, and what ever else you can throw into the mix. I do think there is an answer but it will not lie in any one person.

 

Having said that I will tell you that the machine of politics fascinates me. I love the give and take as well as the drama that is inherent in the political realm. I love history and politics is simply history written right before our eyes.

 

What has now been writ by the hand of politics, of course, is the election of the first Afro American to the office of the President. Something that many of us (and by us I mean the post war baby boomers) assumed that we would not live to see. How wrong we were. Now I think. No, I know. That this is the last rock of many that had to be moved before any or even all of us could see the possibility of inherent god given full equality. Expressed in a way that even the forefathers of this country could not even conceptualize. With this event, we can now see that at least in this country, Instutionalized, government supported, or sanctioned discrimination need not be inherent in the body politic even if it sill lives and breathes in us as individuals. There will always be some that would rather be whispered to by serpents than be instructed by angels. That can be counted on. Even if these angels are, as Lincoln wrote in his second inaugural speech, our “better angels” that should reside in each of us

 

This is a gift that cannot be taken away, no more than the freedom that Lincoln himself became a custodian of and in using that custodianship to it’s full, removed the first rock of many that has led us to this day. Many may say that it is a uniquely American gift, in fact and in form and I agree with that assessment, but if one day should come and we find ourselves standing in the rubble of what was once this country, this gift and it’s progeny will stand long after the dust clears.

 

To be a man, is something that is not bestowed by anyone, it is earned by our actions. I have always known this and lived my life accordingly. I bow before no man just because he believes that he is better than me because of the amount melatonin in his skin.

 

Now our society believes as I do: that no one is better than I.  But with that I also know… that I’m no better than he. We are the same. Not only in God’s eye but in his eyes to

Next: What was November 5^th 2004 like? A look back

Then: Uncle J explains it all and is taking questions

After that: the Black Man’s guide to surviving an Afro American Administration!

Anytime: Sit, Spot, sit or how I spent my summer

 

Grand Opening

This is really the first post to my new digs at WordPress. while this is my first here, I have been “blogging for about 4 years. So that part is not new, But doing it here is.

that also means that I will be writing to a whole different set of bloggers so I guess I need to introduce myself to my fellow “WordPress Users” The following is the intro blog I wrote over 3 years ago that contains what I think of this “Blogging Thing”

 

Over The years, I have often read and heard for that matter, that to be a good writer you have to write!  Not just when the muse hits you but, all of the time. at least once a day.
even when you don’t think that you have anything worthwhile to write about.
This is one of those times for me…

fiveJ on “Writing”

By now if you have read any of my up to now three posts, you will be able to discern that compared to a lot of others in this weblog; I barely can write anything of any worth. That being said, you have only seen a small amount of my writing, I however, have had to look at it for my whole life. Still, I love writing and love reading good writing and for some crazy reason think that somewhere inside of me, sits a better writer than the one that is currently renting the space in my head. So, I have to be one of those poor smucks that is told by teachers the worst possible thing a writer can hear: “Talent is not important, you should write for writing’s sake” Even as I struggle to write this, some  English teacher somewhere is using those words to completely destroy some poor would be little persons writing asperations and is pointing them to a rewarding profession as a retail or fast food manager.”Would you like some James Joyce to go with that shake”.”No thank you, but if you can could you put more salt on my Erica Jong fries?” Now I know that everyone cannot be a world famous writer, and I also know that the graveyards as well schoolyards and even barnyards are filled with “good writers” and most die without any notice from anyone (That’s why this site is so popular!) As a writer, a certain vanity has to a part of your makeup. I don’t care who you are, you want valadation from someone!  So can you really write for writing’s sake?  It seems to me that every journal writer secretly wants his journal read by someone who knows what they are reading and who “gets It” no
matter how much they protest to the contrary.

In an eariler post I put down the basics about what I then wanted to achieve with my posts…..

Well after much thinking, (too much,but after all this is me) I have decided to jump into the weblog pit. I like the idea, and like everyone else, I have something to say. when I look at the people who have already started I see that most of them are kids, or at least young people. that makes me wonder if I might be a little off center!  still I want to try anyway and see what comes of It.

Have you ever felt that you had something inside of you that is trying to get out? over the years I have started to write down some of my feelings but I never could keep it going. Maybe doing this might change that, I can hope anyway…..

Well what to write about? I think it will be mostly about people, I mean in general, not always individuals but just your fellowman and how we are the same as well as how we are not. Yesterday for example, I was riding home on the bus; and I just started to look at faces and how each one would tell a story. from there I would choose the one that I would like to draw or paint( I can’t do either but still my mind works that way) and I could begin to see, why an artist would not always pick the most comely, the stories that would come out of my mind during that bus ride were fascinating to me. Each person’s face pointed to a inner person that had a story to tell, Now in real life they all could have been the most boring people that ever took in air on a bus ; but for me that time on that bus for that time they were inspiring!
Will I ever “rant” on this page? I guess; but I would hope that I try by my writing to reach higher, but ranting is not out of the question. Frankly I think that all of us (at least in this country) complain too much about too little. when I go into some of the posts I can see that not a few people are unhappy, if not just plain pissed off at some real or otherwise slight of some kind. that’s not to say that they do not have validity but if everyone is doing it (ranting) who really cares about how any one person feels? Now that might be my first rant!

Grand Opening

 

So, what has changed since those earlier posts ? Well for one thing, I now work with a group of folks who also have blogs and will read what I write. So they are pushing me to write more. I think that one of the reasons I have not written as much is, unlike a lot of you out there, I pretty much have written a lot of what I have to say as a “older person” on a lot of subjects and as a result I just do not want to write the same things over and over again. Frankly, I do not intend to, if I have an earlier post that addresses something we are talking about today, you can bet I will just re-post it here after updating it.

this time around I really will strive to be a lot lighter than in the past, my readership prefered the funny me rather than the more serious guy I sometimes can be. As a intro to the “funny” me I will repost a bid about a recurring “guest” on my blog.. “Unca`”J” who in my mind can say somthing about anything a lot funnier and at the same time more to the point than I ever could….. Until Next Time….

 

Unca J,

I’m in love with a girl in my fourth period math class. I think I love her, but she does not know I exist! What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Well, “Desperate” you have come to the right place! Your “uncle” is well versed in the ways of the fairer sex (That’s FAIRER not FAIRY, for those of you who swing in another direction) It is hard to tell you what to do however, because you haven’t given me enough details. For a example: You might be butt ugly, or really short, or you are a prime candidate for a Extreme Makeover,” or have a nervous “tic” of some type. (Of course she might be all those things as well, and if that s the case then it cancels out!) So I will put you in the average looking section of guys. That should put somewhere“north” of Homer Simpson. With that in mind, and I will assume that the lady in your math class is a beauty who has everybody, even the teachers, wanting to tap her. My advice to you is, that you have to do something that is far and above what most guys will do. You remember John Hinckley right?; you know that Jodie got the message after my boy tried to take out the President! You however, don’t have go that far. I suggest that you set yourself on fire! Right outside the ole math class door! That’s the only way… After all you are just an average guy, so what kind of real chance do you have? I will tell you! zip, zero, nada. So This way, no matter who she ends up with in her life, she will never forget you!

NEXT QUESTION: Uncaj, I think I love this dorkey looking guy in my fourth period math class, but I think that he is afraid to approach me because I’m pretty. What Should I do?

Signed,

Pretty in Pink

Dear pretty, Run down to the local hardware store and buy the biggest fire extinguisher you can find, and carry it around. Trust me, you are going to need it!

Next Question:  Uncaj, my boy friend and I think you are the one who can settle this for us. Bubba says that “Mad Cow” is a frightful painful condition brought on by eating infected cattle. Having been raised on a farm, the only time we had any “mad cows” was when mom milked “daisy”, our pet cow too hard!

Signed,

Milk Maid

Dear MM,

You both are wrong; “Mad Cow” is what my second wife was after she saw the future third wife!

That will about do this time around, keep the letters coming!